Although attendance was down by 100% on last year, many hailed the 2012 Glastonbury Festival Of Contemporary Performing Arts and Temporary Art Performances to be “the best yet”. Queues and traffic were down, as were noise levels, crime, and disappointing headliners.
What better time to look back at previous festivals…
Glastonbury - a brief histo(nbu)ry
1970 - Fossil records estimate that the festival’s origins date from around this year. Archaeologists speculate that it was populated by a long-haired ancestor of modern humans.
1971 - Despite the advance rumours, Coldplay do not headline this year.
1978 - Problems for campers this year as their tents are carried away by a combination of mud (soil/water mixture) and Mud (band). Hundreds die, but luckily it turns out to be a only a MUD (multi-user domain) simulation run.
1979 - Still no Coldplay.
1981 - A permanent pyramid stage is added to the site. Previous attempts at a spherical stage are abandoned, but the research leads to the invention of the hamster ball and subsequent Nobel prizes for all involved.
1982 - A laser light show is introduced for the first time. Tragedy strikes! The laser cuts off the top of the pyramid stage killing dozens, and the electricity bill is enormous.
1983 - Public entertainment licenses are required for the first time. Glastonbury’s license to publicly entertain is granted, but Michael Eavis’ license to kill is not.
1984 - A classic dystopian novel by George Orwell.
1985 - The site is expanded, not only into neighbouring farmland, but also five miles beneath the surface of the earth.
1986 - A classical music tent is added to the festival, but headliner Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart fails to show.
1987 - When Mendip Local Council try to ban the festival, it’s up to Michael Eavis to launch a battle to bring back rock’n’roll and dancing, revitalise the repressed townspeople, and fall in love with the Reverand’s daughter.
1988 - Due to mass forgetfulness, everyone forgot to go this year. Bit embarassing.
1989 - The police are brought into the organising of the festival. [please insert your own gag about The Police / Sting in the space provided……………………………]
1990 - Nothing memorable occurs for the next ten years.
2000 - The festival experience a major problem from gatecrashers, as the site population reaches critical mass and a black hole is formed.
2001 - The gatecrasher problem is solved this year with the introduction of a new ‘Super-Fence’. Unfortunately, due to a design flaw there are no doors, so no-one is able to get in.
2002 - The Super-Fence proves successful this year, putting Lex-Luther-Fence behind bars.
2003 - Tickets sell out in record time (78 rpm).
2004 - Glastonbury becomes even greener, increasing its recycling efforts. It’s good to recycle and re-use things. The site clean-up is completed in record time (78 rpm).
2005 - Terrible weather conditions abound - thunder, lightning, and a giant iceberg ruin the enjoyment of all.
2006 - Everyone oversleeps and misses the festival. Shame.
2007 - A new anti-touting system is introduced. The site is now armed with surface-to-tout missiles.
2008 - All performers are replaced with holograms of themselves. Unfortunately all on-site catering is also replaced by holograms and hundreds die of starvation.
2009 - The festival has become so huge that the ticketing system is now based on an ‘opt-out’ basis, with anyone not wanting a ticket forced to register.
2010 - Glastonbury celebrates its 40th birthday old by showing up in a flashy sports-car with a much younger festival on its arm.
2011 - Coldplay finally show up.
2012 - NoiseMonkey presents a brief histo(nbu)ry of Glastonbury.